Ode to Toilet Paper

It happens this way …

Sometimes levity is the best reaction to today’s news. Here’s the lightest of light verse.

Ode to Toilet Paper

Oh, what enticing names:

Angel Soft, Charmin, Cottonelle,

Green Forest, Quilted Northern,

Scott, Kirkland Signature.

Oh, how comforting:

the feel of softly embossed

flowers and leaves during

my body’s private activities.

Two of your layers clean

more smoothly than paper towels

or the napkins I swiped

from now-closed restaurants.

But, oh, modern necessity,

how you’ve been abused.

Hoarders crushed you

into SUVs weeks ago,

rendering you as rare as

a sunny winter day in Oregon,

a prayer on an atheist’s lips,

the truth on any brand of media.

Let me assure –

in the spirit of economy –

I count out your sheets:

four for #1, nine for #2.

If my calculations are right,

we’ll ride this challenge out,

comforted by more absorbency

with much less use.